Already got asked if we're dating
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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