i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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