apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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