I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
