seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize