Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
