How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
