Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
