I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize