i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
