she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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