Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
