i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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