This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
