"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
