Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
