I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you mean i was at the winter classic?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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