just tell him i said nine months
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
