I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
