I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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