My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
