The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize