He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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