living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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