New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
