I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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