Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
