It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
