Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
