Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She told me I should be a condom model.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
