just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
