He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
