Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
