If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
