im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
