We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
