Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
