giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
