i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
