I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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