No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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