We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
