I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
