i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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