I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
