nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
