So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
