Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
