Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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