i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
