So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
