My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my poor anus
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
