Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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