I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
