you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
