the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
