I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
