I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
