my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
