Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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