i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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